Squid game for billionaires? Less gore, more mops | Open
I have a modest suggestion on how to deal with the tax frauds named in the “Pandora Papers,” that mind-boggling global investigation into the bank accounts of some of the richest people in the world.
Journalists from 117 countries have spent years reviewing more than 12 million documents and discovered what we have long suspected: Journalists hardly ever shower. Joke! No, what I meant was they discovered that many of the richest and most influential people in the world hide their enormous wealth in a shameful assortment of tax havens, offshore accounts and legal loopholes but disgusting. You all say, “Duuuhhhh. “
So what is my proposal? Four words: squid game for billionaires.
Radical? May be.
Now, I’m not suggesting that billionaires be treated like the desperate souls of Netflix’s monster that hits around 456 indebted South Koreans who go head-to-head in a children’s game series (“red light, green light”; “gunshot”; the rope ”, etc.) to win a grand prize of $ 38 million.
Don’t these games sound like FUN ?? !! What could possibly go wrong? Plus, by the way, how on earth did responsible adults let us play “Red Rover, Red Rover” back then? This is the one where you locked your arms and taunted the other team for sending someone to break those arms, breaking them like dry spaghetti. I’m sure you remember it.
I was small for my age, and that meant I was always selected as the weakest link in the chain first, and everyone slipped through easily. After a few times, I learned to tear my arm away from my “teammate” saying, “What’s wrong? Let them go if it matters so much… ”Yeah, that made me super popular at recess.
Without spoiling too much the half-dozen of you who haven’t watched “Squid Game,” just let me say that the show contains a massive amount of technicolor violence and, fair warning, you’ll probably lose your appetite for treats. sweet after the episode of the “dalgona” contest in which the contestants must use a needle to quickly carve a shape out of a brittle plate. Isn’t that fun, billionaires? It’s like the wacky games on “The Price is Right” … if Drew Carey stood next to you on the Plinko set, faceless, wearing a hot pink jumpsuit and wearing an AK 47, that’s- to say.
The Pandora Papers prove what we suspected from the start: billionaires aren’t like you and me. And not just because they feast on roasted carcasses of endangered elephants every full moon and when asked what your favorite pizza topping is, they reliably answer “kitten.” It’s just a PART of that, idiots.
So how would Squid Game for Billionaires work? Easy! We brought together the worst offenders, your Jeff Bezos, your Elon Musk Oxen, your Kings Abdallah of Jordan, your Czech Prime Minister Adrej Babises… and you… made them work minimum wage until all their back taxes were paid . .
The Pandora Papers estimate that billionaires, celebrities, politicians (Tony Blair!) And business leaders have hidden between $ 5.6 billion and $ 32 trillion abroad. And that’s just the money!
Where’s Katie Porter’s Whiteboard When You Need It? I would love to see the California MP explain to the Azerbaijani president’s 11-year-old son that the kid has to give up his $ 40 million London apartment and go to work as the fry guy at Jack in the Box for the next one (sound of computer calculator…) eleven billion years ago.
This nicer, sweeter, more hilarious, and ultimately more billionaire-satisfying squid game would make us all feel better.
Instead of lighting up the old middle-aged Crisis Rocket for a space escape with your rude friends, get to know your new play toy: an industrial mop bucket with wringer. You will need it for night work at Waffle House on Sunday morning. Believe me.
Celia Rivenbark is a bestselling NYT writer and columnist. Write to him at email@example.com.